05 January, 2012

Of mommy-guilt and mommy's separation anxiety

I chose to play stay-at-home-mom for a while. The idea was to keep an eye on my little one at least till he was able to talk. Much as I loved being a working professional, I've always wanted to be able to stay at home when my kid(s) were very little, unless of course, I couldn't afford to.

I know that there are places that offer excellent daycare. I know that there are some great nannies out there too, who probably would do a better job than I do. It is just that I was not comfortable with any arrangement other than my watching over my kid till he was fairly good with words. I admit I'm not the best mother in the whole world. I don't spend every minute of my day with him. I don't give him undivided attention all day long. I spend a good part of the day doing my chores and my reading and trying to find some time to do some blogging, amongst a whole lot of other things. I do feel guilty about not spending more  'quality time' with him. I guess mommy-guilt is here to stay, no matter what. Even if I were to spend all my hours playing with him, I'd still have felt the guilt every time I had to make a trip to the loo.

Even though the guilt lingers, even though I continue to miss work and a part of me is crabby about having put my career on hold, I have been happy about one thing -the fact that 'I' have been in charge of my precious little baby.

Now the toddler can talk. He can communicate. He's tired of his toys and probably bored of seeing too much of mommy and daddy. It's time he ventured out of the protective walls of his home. It's time he had his own friends and its time his world got a little bigger. And now that he can express himself, it is the right time for preschool; a few days a week at least.

I'm prepared more than ever to let him go. Considering the stage of life that he is in, I am a braver mother. I could actually do with a few guilt-free hours to do my own things. I should be happy for that, and I guess I am. But I worry too.

I know my baby can tell his teacher if he needs something. I know he can come home at noon and tell me if something was not right at school that day. I know I should learn to trust some more people with my boy. Yet, anxiety is getting the better of me. I just filled up a few pages of his admission form, and the questions about what has to be done in the case of an emergency are freaking me out. I know the school wants to do the right thing with my consent but I'm getting all choked up.

04 January, 2012

Is it just me?

When you're a mommy, especially that of a toddler, there's one thing you can never have enough of. That is time. I could do with a few more hours.

These days, if it's five in the evening, it is dark. It's depressing. I don't quite like the idea of shorter days. I love nights but when the day ends early, it makes me feel like another day has gone by and I haven't done much in the hours that just went by.

This is my fourth year in CA, but I still haven't gotten used to the idea of sunset at quarter to five and setting the clock an hour forward and backward every 6 months (let's not even go there). Having spent over 25 years  in a country where there are more or less equal hours of day and night, to me, that's what is normal.

If it's Fall or Winter, this is exactly how I feel:

Is it just me? Does anybody else feel this way?

And then there are the days when I do like to see the sun go down ;)